Wednesday 15th december – Nelson.
I think Ive realised that Australia is my home.
“but its only been 3” days I hear you cry, and my mother did…down the phone this morning, several times,
but I don’t think it takes long when you know your heart is somewhere, somewhere else.
so today started with tears to Mama. Alot of them…….
then I dried my permanently puffy eyes, and packed my backpack for the day.
I caught the bus to beach after Deidre, who left this morning, told me where to get it. the bus fare was $3.40 each way! which shocked my pants off….”another reason to go back to byron” I thought…..its free there…..
Tahuna beach is nice. blackish sands but beautiful clear, warm water…a few blue bottles but that’s the norm…..tho it does have the main highway and main intersection, running right next to it, complete with Mc Donalds, KFC and some doughnut place that I couldn’t be bothered to remember…..
I lay for 2 hours in the sun, smoking, listening to M jack B and planning my moves…..
Rebecca arrives on Monday so would be good to see her but I am rapidly eating thru my cash…’eating’ being a funny way to describe it as, to be honest, I haven’t been doing a lot of that at all, choosing instead to spend my money on internet time and bloody bus fares…..
I realised that I am missing the beach culture more than anything, and Bali springs to mind……why I didn’t head straight there for a month of yoga, then head back to byron, I don’t know….
so I have two more nights at the YHA here booked so that takes me to Saturday…..then im out on my arse and clueless as to what to do…..
am meeting up with an old friends sister on Friday for a drink, he thinks that this may make me change my mind and want to stay, but we shall see……
I guess I should really stay put until after new years when flights etc are cheaper……
OH GOD WHAT SHOULD I DO!!!!!
I think im going to go for a run now in yet another attempt to clear my foggy head….uh oh, here come the tears…again!
Aaaaaaand here it comes….the post run euphoria….i swear they should sell this stuff…..
so my run was as I expected, stunningly beautiful and serene….damn it!
I ran all along the marina to the very end of the point, where you can turn left and take the rather incredible, but long, walk all along the sea front to the beach. I unplugged myself from the ipod and marvelled at the silence, all but the waves lapping gently on the rocks just below my feet……
so I sat.
I sat, closed my eyes and asked myself, “sally, what do you want?”…and quickly added “and you aren’t allowed to say ‘to go back to byron’…. not for another 3 to 6 months at least….”
after a long pause I answered:
“for now I’ll stay put. I will go out tomorrow and will go to my yoga class and I will ask Robert, the owner, if he knows of any jobs, there or anywhere, to do with yoga….then I will go back to the café where I went on my first day, and will call the number of the room for rent in the window. I will start with this. Then, once I have a little job and room under my belt, maybe in a few weeks I will buy myself a little car in which I will spend my weekends driving up into the hills to write, and look out at the world instead of looking in all the time. I will sit and meditate on the magnificent mountains and will spend however long I am here, in Nelson for, working on being peaceful…..then in a few months I will review my situation…..eventually I will make it back to Byron but there is no rush…the only reason I am feeling this way is because it is a natural reaction to being taken away from my home, friends and loved ones….those people know how I feel about them, and will always know this…….now it is time for me.”
I think there was a gaping hole where my third eye should be after this epiphany…. there were also a lot of tears as there was one other thing that came up that I cannot write…..too personal…..but has made me realise I cannot stop things from happening, they would happen whether I was still in Byron or not, all I can do is carry on being ‘sally by sally’ and hope that things will work out the way they should, for the best.
why is life so hard?
why is love so hard?
why is being yourself so hard?
why is giving up so easy?
so there you have it folks, another little sneaky peak into the firey, inner depths of my tragically turmoiled mind….
a bid you adeau….